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How HIV helped me to find my PURPOSE…(aka “What I Know”) By Frantonia Pollins

How HIV helped me to find my PURPOSE…(aka “What I Know”)
by Frantonia M Pollins on Wednesday, December 1, 2010 at 11:38am

“WHAT I KNOW”

By Frantonia Pollins

© 2006

 

Like Gnarles Barkley,
I too remember
when I lost my mind
It was January 12, 1999

30 years, 4 months
and 28 days
of a life I took for granted
in so many ways

Nothing special about “that day”,
typical, average & routine
On my way to the local community center
To pick up my pre-teen

Just thought I’d check the mail
as I left the apartment complex
In a hurry to get back home
for a night of sweaty, hot butt naked sex

Bills, bills, bills
and a catalog I can’t mention
and then there it was
Something that caught my attention

A plain white envelope
with standard computer type
Highlighted, just in case
I had poor eyesight

My heart began to pound
My palms began to sweat
This was a letter that was bound
to bring regret

My head was spinning
as fast as the wheels on my car
Thank God the community center
wasn’t that far

No stop signs!
No red lights!
No other cars
you see!

No one else
was on the road
It seemed
Just me
Climbing the stairs to my home

my legs went limp
‘Cause I knew EXACTLY what
this letter meant
How would I tell him

my lover, my partner,
my friend you see
This man who wants to marry me
20 attempts, 2hrs & 48 minutes later

I HAD to make “that call”
I could NOT
keep waiting
I asked that he come home

and hold my hand
This man who loved me
My partner, my friend
Awaiting his arrival

I thought of how long
I had prayed & prayed
for a love this strong
God had answered my prayers

and he came along
And now in one fail swoop,
It could all be gone
As he entered the room

we quickly embraced
And then he looked
directly into my face
My eyes were swollen

and red with tears
My stomach in knots
I was consumed with fear
I handed him the letter

he asked me what could it be
THIS moment was so very painful to me
As I told him it meant I had HIV
A deafening silence

overtook the room
It was cold and dark
and filled with gloom
An ominous cloud

had invaded my dream
although it was silent
I could STILL hear myself scream
THAT moment lasted

for what seemed like forever
And then he looked at me and said
“I LOVE YOU and I’ll leave you never”
Doctors, Therapists, Needles & Tests

This experience brought out
the worst
and the best
My best friend at the time

prayed and sprinkled Holy water
Telling me that this was punishment
from my Heavenly Father
The therapist thought

I was out of touch & confused
Because acceptance of this fate
I continually refused
When I told my Father

My Hero, My Rock
A man born & bred
of Old Fashioned Stock
This terrible news

it broke him down
and for the rest my life
I’ll NEVER forget that sound
Pulling himself together

trying to be strong for me
He said “You are my daughter, My one & my only
And Daddy will NEVER, EVER leave you lonely
The pain of this reality

shut my SOUL down
And my daughter, my baby
I could not bear to be around
The thought of leaving her

before she was grown
made me double over in pain
I sobbed & I moaned
Anger, Confusion,

Isolation & shame
All of these feelings
were my tangible pain
Making love to my man

was a “done deal” for sure
‘Cause for this dreaded disease
there is no cure
4 months and 12 days

of this fate we maintained
Until one day there was a call
from the doctor it came
More bad news I simply could not take

She said, “Come in,
I need to talk to you
Face to Face
We entered the room together

Hand in hand
Me and the ONE I loved
the ONE I called my Man
The look on her face was one of joy

there was even a glow
WHAT was it she had to tell me
I just had to know
She looked at us both

and said with a smile
“You’ve been pretending,
playing us all the while”
“Behind my back

you went and took another test
because you were not ready
to accept this just yet
BRAVO is the word I will say to you

for defying me and doing
what you knew
you had to do
YES – I’m the expert

the doctor you see
But you KNOW yourSELF
far better than me
I have good news to share

I can no longer wait
to tell you I’m sorry
we made a mistake
A mistake – no big deal

Just a “mix-up” in the lab
‘Cause you DON’T really have
what we told you, you had”
I looked at him, he looked at me

We looked at her and said,
“Around what you’re telling me
I cannot wrap my head!
For the last 4 months,

I’ve done nothing but cry.
Even entertained thoughts
of suicide!”
To diffuse me she tried – with all of her might

“A mistake! No big deal, No need for strife!
Act like none of this ever happened
and go on with your life!”
She shook my hand

and sent me on my way.
To her THIS was routine -
Just another day
On the ride home

our tongues were both twisted & tied
To come up with the “RIGHT” words
we both diligently tried
I closed my eyes,

took a deep breathe
and let back my chair
And silently I began to say THIS prayer -
THANK YOU GOD!!

for making me strange
Analytical, Defiant
and Hard to train
These are all the things

that have been said about me
But through it all I heard YOU
and not them – you see
Had I listened to them

instead of YOUR voice
I would have believed that death
was my only choice
I say THANK YOU for THIS moment – Sure & Swift

From this day forward I CHOOSE to use my gift
To encourage, Inspire,
Teach & uplift
No longer concerned

with what others will think
I STAND proud and tall
Refusing to shrink
BOLDLY & BRIGHTLY

I let my LIGHT so SHINE
I AM a child of God
Beautiful & Divine
The lesson in this (TRUE) story is clear you see -

I KNOW
THAT I KNOW
WHAT GOD KNOWS
ABOUT ME!!!

“WHAT I KNOW”
By Frantonia Pollins
© 2006

Frantonia Pollins

Women’s Empowerment Expert | Business Mentor & LifeStyle Strategist

First Lady Lifestyle & Leadership Academy

702-706-LADY

Affectionately known as The First Lady of Empowerment, Frantonia Pollins is the founder & CEO of The First Lady Lifestyle & Leadership Academy, an exclusive membership movement which offers the ultimate in business mentoring and life coaching services designed to empower 1,000,000 Women Worldwide to conquer their fears about

Money & Wealth; inspire them to discover their own uniquely Divine & powerful purpose on the planet and guide them as they create successful businesses that will transform the world and leave a Multi-generational Legacy of Wealth.
Through her workshops, courses, coaching programs, and products, Frantonia shows her students how to experience confidence, freedom & empowerment from the inside out so that they can create the phenomenal life of their dreams.

 

As a wealth & success coach to thousands of women around the world, Frantonia’s goal is to be your personal guide on your journey from being a woman burdened by D.E.B.T. to that of one who is TRULY living a life of Wealth, Freedom & Purpose.
Her signature program, The “First Lady Lifestyle Million-Heir Business Blueprint”, is a 12 month group coaching intensive designed to offer 100 emerging women entrepreneurs an opportunity to be part of an exclusive community that shares a burning desire AND a willingness to do WHATEVER it takes to grow their business from start-up to 6 figures.

The First Lady Lifestyle & Leadership Academy is currently offering select individuals the opportunity to secure a partial Scholarship for the 2013 intake for the First Lady Lifestyle & Leadership Academy’s Sapphire Success Coaching Program. This scholarship is set at 65% off the standard 12 month fee. To request your scholarship application, please visit www.FrantoniaPollins.com

 

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One Response to “How HIV helped me to find my PURPOSE…(aka “What I Know”) By Frantonia Pollins”

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